Everything seems out of place and dynamic changes occur in every point in that time.
It was the time
----when I metthe radical relationship with Jesus Christ,
----when I drew myself further from Him,
----when I had suiciding thoughts more than ten times in 2 months,
----when I pulled out myself from my friends and just went to built castle in the air,
----when I was confused about human existence (and my existence),
----when I had been so paranoia,
----when I thought I encounter Alzheimer's syndroms,
when everything pushed me to my limit.
Have you got your messiest year of life? How do you feel?
How you overcome it?
When family is not (fa)ther and (m)other (i) (l)ove (y)ou anymore
If everything is out of place, family will always be the shady place of the hot summer weather.How bout my fams?
This, is not the first time I have an acute illness to drag my feet out of my parent's house.
It is not home anymore. And when you got nothing in your hand to bound you with your family except blood, than you will think to go. Even if there will be so much trouble to handle everything without help from your blood-related human beings.
Despite of what standard that runs one's family rules or what point-of-view a family takes to nuture the young members, there's one thing that we should take notice, that when we have wounds in our hearts, there's no other way that the children will not get it too. That's why we have to take the bleeding all out and put it in remedy before we hurt the loved ones (and prevent the same thing will happen to their children in the future).
I may seems like guessing but I can feel it as big as life, that my parents have their wounds from their family and it affects me. I can feel my grandma and grandpa's anger, and I can feel my parents' childhood sadness and their self-doubts. It infected me like savage virus.
The wounds here, that weaken me in my pasca-teen year need to be taken out. And I think the best way to do is to accept and forgive and then we can move on our next step forward our goals (that's why we need goal or purpose in life, so that thing will save us when we loose our way).
There's a beautiful song about forgiving that always soothe my heart in the time of need :
(it's a christian song, just listen to it eventhough you're not christian, because the song sings the truth)
A Heart That Forgives
Kevin Levar
I want a heart that forgives
A heart full of love
One with compassion just like Yours above
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live
One that keeps loving over and over again
One that men can’t offend
Because Your Word is within
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did
I want a heart that forgives,
I want a heart that forgives!
When the ones that are closest, that I’ve known the longest, hurt me the most;
I still wanna love them just like You love me
Even though I’m hurting
I want a heart that forgives
When the pain is so deep, it’s so hard to speak, about it to anyone
Just like Your Son, I give up my right to hold it against them with hatred inside
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I wanna love like You, be like You, just like You did
Wanna walk like You, talk like You, just like You did,
Wanna be like You, live like You, just like You did
'Cause the heart that forgives is the heart that will live
Totally free from the pain of the past
And the heart that lets go is the heart that will know so much freedom
Lord I wanna let it go
God I need to let it go
Lord its been holding me back
And I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't
I don't want it no more
I don’t know exactly what to do to get rid of it, but ah...
Here I am Lord Jesus, here I am ohh, here I am Lord Jesus...ohh
Lord I need You, I need You, I know this is me that You're talking to
This is me, this is me, this is me Lord, this is me
Lord I let it go, every person, every person that's ever hurt me
God I let it go
Every single hurt
God I let it go
Every single pain
God I let it go, I let it go, I let it go
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
You can have it now, You can have it now,
'Cause I don't want it no......more
This song is so true. People that hurt us the most usually are the closest one.
That makes the wounds feel even more hurting.
But if we don't try to forgive them and accept that situation, then we will not moving anywhere.
We will always get stucked by the feelings from past. Of course it needs time, just follow your pace.
For me, I can't just forgive them just like that because the hurts is real and it makes me uncomfortable. But I try to accept that I can't change people but I can change my feelings towards them (and it's from my own sake). So I let myself to face it and make my own happiness. I will not think about it anymore and I try my best to lead a lively life.
So if you have your messy day, why don't you sit for a while and think? Accept and Forgive are always the best weapon to soothe your heart.
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