Messy Life: Accept and Forgive

19 and 20, are the messiest years of my life.
Everything seems out of place and dynamic changes occur in every point in that time.

It was the time
----when I metthe radical relationship with Jesus Christ,
----when I drew myself further from Him,
----when I had suiciding thoughts more than ten times in 2 months,
----when I pulled out myself from my friends and just went to built castle in the air,
----when I was confused about human existence (and my existence),
----when I had been so paranoia,
----when I thought I encounter Alzheimer's syndroms,
when everything pushed me to my limit.

Have you got your messiest year of life? How do you feel?
How you overcome it?

When family is not (fa)ther and (m)other (i) (l)ove (y)ou anymore

If everything is out of place, family will always be the shady place of the hot summer weather.
How bout my fams?

This, is not the first time I have an acute illness to drag my feet out of my parent's house.
It is not home anymore. And when you got nothing in your hand to bound you with your family except blood, than you will think to go. Even if there will be so much trouble to handle everything without help from your blood-related human beings.

Despite of what standard that runs one's family rules or what point-of-view a family takes to nuture the young members, there's one thing that we should take notice, that when we have wounds in our hearts, there's no other way that the children will not get it too. That's why we have to take the bleeding all out and put it in remedy before we hurt the loved ones (and prevent the same thing will happen to their children in the future).

I may seems like guessing but I can feel it as big as life, that my parents have their wounds from their family and it affects me. I can feel my grandma and grandpa's anger, and I can feel my parents' childhood sadness and their self-doubts. It infected me like savage virus.

The wounds here, that weaken me in my pasca-teen year need to be taken out. And I think the best way to do is to accept and forgive and then we can move on our next step forward our goals (that's why we need goal or purpose in life, so that thing will save us when we loose our way).

There's a beautiful song about forgiving that always soothe my heart in the time of need :
(it's a christian song, just listen to it eventhough you're not christian, because the song sings the truth)

A Heart That Forgives
Kevin Levar

I want a heart that forgives
A heart full of love
One with compassion just like Yours above
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge

I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live
One that keeps loving over and over again
One that men can’t offend
Because Your Word is within
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did
I want a heart that forgives,
I want a heart that forgives!
When the ones that are closest, that I’ve known the longest, hurt me the most;
I still wanna love them just like You love me
Even though I’m hurting
I want a heart that forgives
When the pain is so deep, it’s so hard to speak, about it to anyone

Just like Your Son, I give up my right to hold it against them with hatred inside
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I wanna love like You, be like You, just like You did
Wanna walk like You, talk like You, just like You did,
Wanna be like You, live like You, just like You did
'Cause the heart that forgives is the heart that will live
Totally free from the pain of the past
And the heart that lets go is the heart that will know so much freedom
Lord I wanna let it go
God I need to let it go
Lord its been holding me back
And I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't
I don't want it no more
I don’t know exactly what to do to get rid of it, but ah...

Here I am Lord Jesus, here I am ohh, here I am Lord Jesus...ohh
Lord I need You, I need You, I know this is me that You're talking to
This is me, this is me, this is me Lord, this is me
Lord I let it go, every person, every person that's ever hurt me

God I let it go
Every single hurt
God I let it go
Every single pain
God I let it go, I let it go, I let it go
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
You can have it now, You can have it now,
'Cause I don't want it no......more

This song is so true. People that hurt us the most usually are the closest one.
That makes the wounds feel even more hurting.

But if we don't try to forgive them and accept that situation, then we will not moving anywhere.
We will always get stucked by the feelings from past. Of course it needs time, just follow your pace.
For me, I can't just forgive them just like that because the hurts is real and it makes me uncomfortable. But I try to accept that I can't change people but I can change my feelings towards them (and it's from my own sake). So I let myself to face it and make my own happiness. I will not think about it anymore and I try my best to lead a lively life.

So if you have your messy day, why don't you sit for a while and think? Accept and Forgive are always the best weapon to soothe your heart.

CRAMPY PAPER OF DREAM

"A self-potrait motivational poster in my bedroom wall. "

"What are your dreams? What is the shape of your dream? Is it you or other people that you see in your dream? Why are you here? What's the constraint of your life? What is your final destination?"

As I laid down my head, the echoes of live music concert of an unknown juvenille's band that is held besides my rent house, filled my room. The unstable notes jump from one corner to another. With a huge pride, showing off their's youth life.

                "I am no better even when I am outside of my home. I think I can gain freedom. But it's like chasing the wind." I was so sured back then when I left my home to rent a room near my workplace. I think I can do whatever I want and feel free. And it was all lie, as in this crampy room, I can see clearly, it is not the house of my parents that locked me in, but my thought, the only culprit of this non-sense life I live. Going anywhere, can't freed you, when the one which is jailed isn't your body, but your thought.

                Looking at other people's life is breath-taking. I can see how weak a human's soul can be. By a simple threatening, they can be withered, like a petal slowly fall to the ground. Just like me.

                I know there's something wrong on me. I do not know why I come up with this idea, I just know. That's slowly in my heart, there's big monster of mud that is slightly day by day, becomes bigger and bigger, until it devours me one day. Human are weak. It has not always be external things that influence their lives, simply by thinking, they can be slipped away and end up at a place they never thought before.

                My neighbors are chatting now. The wall is so thin that it doesn't block any single wave of their voices. Behind this door, I imagine how these human interact each others so comfortably and naturally. How their lives seems so easy for them. To be like them is one of my dreams. Sounds desperate for some people, but yeah that's the truth.

                I maybe seemed so easy going person in the eyes of my friends. But that's not the truth, life is always hard on and for me. I can never be truly happy. It's such a long day I guess since the day I smile honestly to myself and others. Back in my childhood days.

                Being adults is somehow depressing. As you are more aware of the things around you, the more the chance of bad thought will come to swallow you up. I hate myself for being so reckless, clumsy and boring. People at such a young age will go somewhere to have fun with their friends and chasing boys maybe. But, I am not like that. What's wrong with me?

                A comb, a snack, a glue, and a laptop. How random the things on my table are. It's like my heart. Everything that comes out is always random.